This Post Won't Make Sense

People will always mean more to me than I will ever realize. I'm talking about those really special people in your life that helped you become the person you are today. People who brighten up the colors and sharpen the focus in your life. People who just take you as you are.

Those people have a hold on my heartstrings. And sometimes they tug and they tug. And then I beginning to understand my feelings. I begin to see that when they're gone. I miss them like hell. Sometimes I even want to cry, and if that makes me weak, so be it. And that lump in my throat gets bigger. And I begin to see that when they hurt me, even on accident, that it's instant heart and head burn.

Sometimes I really don't like it. For souls to affect me so. But maybe this means that I actually love them. Love them enough that, the worst pain comes from them, because they know me. I want them to know me. I want to tell them all the little things that make me happy, and my big dreams. And I know they are the ones I want to cry to, to put my head on their shoulder and know they are listening and are going to be there.

Dear those people,

You are beautiful and mean more to me than even I could even know. I wish I could let you understand. I wish words and actions could make it more true. But it just exists. Please know that.

Love,

Christine

I Can't Explain It

But the simple things really do matter.

Justice & Mercy : This is Where They Kiss

I don't get mad very often. But last night I was furious.

It was the end of a long day of phone calls, the first being that my grandma lost against her cancer. And I had to be the messenger of what happened to my mom and my dad. I hope that none of guys ever have to tell someone that their loved one has died, because it feels so against what you want to say or do, but you know deep inside that they need to be the first to know. And somehow words seem so weak and numb.

Then once everything settled down, my anger rose. Why her? Why not me? And I knew deep inside that we've all lost someone to cancer. And it hurt. Because it felt like I was one in a few billion people who have had their heartbroken because of this disease. Some way more hurt than me. But I knew the massive mutual pain was there. And it wasn't just cancer that made me mad, it was everything that is going wrong in this world: riots, genocide, violence, other life-taking diseases, poverty, modern day slavery...the list goes on. Why is the world so messed up? I felt like screaming on top of some high-story building, "Screw you, World!" (except this is the more toned down version.) How did we get to this place of so much pain, so much darkness?

And then I felt it and I knew. My heart was experiencing how God's heart breaks over injustice. But the thing is, I think God doesn't want to stand on the floors of heaven, screaming "Screw you, World!" and then crushing us with His thumb or flooding the earth. He is so loving and graceful, to let us live another day. To do the things we taken for granted like filling our lungs with air. He hasn't taken that away from us, despite all that has happened.

You're still sending cells to their rightful places,
When forming more likely to escape.
Such a narrow way of life.
What's it look like from Your side?
From here I can't see why it's worth
One more coming out cursed?

And I know that this is love, because God's heart breaks, every single day, every single second, because of humanity and injustice. And because it just hurts to see the one's you love hurting themselves and hurting others. It's probably the worst nightmare to have...to see your creation break and become something you never wanted to happen. If I were God, I would've given up by now. I'd throw all away, and try to start again. But thing is He isn't like me, He isn't like you, He is God, and He's not giving up on us.

He wants to redeem. He wants to save. He wants to take lowly things and make them glorious. He wants to free people. He wants to love.

Becoming.

Somehow, somewhere, I used to believe that when it came to romance, it was all about the waiting, waiting for the prince. Then there is a happily ever after. And somehow it'll all happen perfectly, with not much needed from my part. It'll just be.

But I've realized that's terribly wrong.

Meeting the right person, doesn't result in everything being sunshine and happiness. It's all about becoming. I want to become the kind of person that the kind person I'd want to be with would be looking for. And the thing is the person I'd want to be with would be the loving kind.

And the more I think about it, the more I realize that this doesn't just apply to romance, it applies to every relationship I have...friend, sibling, parent.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end. - 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

There is so much to love, and I know it doesn't all come naturally, but I have the greatest Teacher, who is love itself to help me out.

Take Me Whole.

I want to be submersed in love.

The fearless and true kind.

And for every pore to feel it all.

To watch all the sorrows melt away from me.

And have no need to go up for air.

Because love is enough.

To stay there and call it home.

Battle.

You're teaching me to love without any bounds.
Who knew that everything inside of me desires to restrict love from being set free?
Like my skin is some kind of elastic band refusing to let go.
My heart wonders when it will be treated like it deserves
Maybe then I could have some love to give.
Will it be him? Will it be her? (Will they give me a reason to love?)
But You whisper, "It's me."

The Inner Cry of My Heart

I love you all.
And I don't try to measure my love for you guys individually,
Because you know what?
You are all different,
Special and unique.
You guys shine in different ways,
and each one of you impact my life in different aspects,
So I can't love one of you more than another
And if it ever seems that way
Know that it is not what it seems
My love can be humanly,
More often than I ever want it to
There are days when all I can ever think about is
Me, and that
I am sorry for
But please know that I do love you
Despite my mistakes
Maybe not as well as I want to
Or you want to
But everyday I'm trying to pursue
Love better.
And through that I know this love
that you and I want
will just come out naturally
And we'll both know
That in the heart of man
There is a vessel for
The Lord.